While modern children fill their brains with endless streams of whatever cartoons they find on YouTube, there was a time when kids played with toys that were so badass, they weren’t even allowed to see the movies the toys were based on.
Demolition Man, RoboCop, and Starship Troopers were just a few of the toylines that spanned this noble era, churning out action figures and playsets faster than a speeding bullet from RoboCop’s Auto 9 pistol.
After G.I. Joe successfully relaunched in 1982 with a line of 3.75″ figures, film companies began scoping out any military-themed media they could slap a “made in China” label on and market as a Christmas gift.
So why not slap it on the 1985 Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, Commando? It had numerous f-bombs, nudity, and a brutal knife fight—perfect! (Studios used to know what the kids wanted).
Diamond Toymakers—chiefly known throughout the globe for their exquisite line of E.T. The Extra Terrestrial puffy stickers—went to work and released the Commando action figures in early 1986.
Of course, the kids who did manage to see the movie probably wasted no time in making their new Arnold action figure quote movie lines to all their other figures.
As with all great toy series, the toys featured their own storyline (à la G.I. Joe) that in no way related to the movie’s plot. The main character from the film, John Matrix, appears to have abandoned his life as a devoted tree-trunk-toting father, since he’s now the leader of an elite special forces group called C-Team.
The team consists of characters Matrix, Spex, Blaster, and Chopper—toys with names so macho, just opening the package will make you sprout a mustache.
Photos courtesy of Figure Realm
C-Team protects civilians from all sorts of evildoers, especially the evil that comes in the form of F.E.A.R., a team of psychotic villains so psychotic, their psychotic leader is named Psycho.
F.E.A.R. team includes Psycho, Sawbones, Stalker, and Lead-Head.
Unfortunately, no action figure version of ‘”Bennett” with Removable Chest Pipe’ was included in the villain lineup.
Photos courtesy of Figure Realm
While most other R-rated movie toys were in the 5-6″ scale, the Commando line was produced primarily as 4″ figures, probably to better compete with G.I. Joe. Larger figures were also produced, including a 6″ and 16″ John Matrix.
Unsurprisingly, the toyline failed harder than Communist soldiers in a fight with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s rocket launcher, and the action figures have now been swept under the rug of plastic history.
In the rare event that you happen to find one of the figures in a dusty thrift shop, you’ll be so happy, someone could jam an ice cream cone in your face and you wouldn’t be mad at all.
